Defensiveness

In this article we continue our exploration of how not to do conflict in a relationship. We have already seen that criticism and contempt are bad ideas. Now we can add the third Horseman, defensiveness, to that list. Defensiveness is when we refuse to take responsibility for our behaviour in some way. It can present as making excuses, minimising our level of responsibility in a particular situation, or can even involve shifting responsibility from ourselves to the other person. 

Defensiveness can be a typical response to criticism - or even a response to a reasonable comment that is perceived as a criticism. Let's take our running example to illustrate:

"Why is the kitchen so messy? Didn't you say you were going to clean it this morning?"

"Yeah, but you know I'm really busy at the moment. Can you just get off my back about it?"

Defensiveness will typically lead to an escalation in conflict and problems in a relationship. It makes the person who has voiced the issue feel like their grievance is not being taken seriously, or like the other person doesn't care enough to take responsibility for their own behaviour. This can lead to the person who voiced the concern to become critical, or to increase their level of criticism. 

Finally, because defensiveness involves a refusal to take responsibility for one’s behaviour, it means that issues tend to go unresolved if one party acts defensively. This means that problems in the relationship are likely to be perpetual, which could very well result in ongoing damage to the relationship.

Learning how to move away from defensiveness when there is conflict or disagreement is important, and receiving relationship or marriage counselling to help with this problem is certainly worthwhile.

To learn more about defensiveness, please visit the Gottman website. View our Relationships page to read about our relationship counselling service. You are also welcome to a free, 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. To book an appointment with Robertson & Ling, click here.