How not to do conflict in a relationship

Knowing how to communicate with someone when we disagree with them is important. Good communication in these situations fosters connection and care; bad communication tears a relationship to shreds. This means that one of the most common things we work on in counselling here at Robertson & Ling is helping people improve their communication when there's conflict or disagreement (to read an overview of our relationship counselling service, click here).

One of the most effective ways of doing this is by helping individuals and couples to see the destructive communicative patterns they've developed when having a disagreement. We then show them how to move away from these unhealthy behaviours, so they are a far better chance of resolving any issues they are going through.

This begs the question: what are some of the main no-nos when it comes to communicating during conflict?

This was something relationship counsellors John and Julie Gottman wanted to find out. They examined the communication traits of thousands of couples to see if there were any connections between how people talked to one another, and the health of the relationship. They were able to identify four communication traits that constantly predicted unhealthy relationships, or the ending of the relationship itself.

These were:

1. Criticism

2. Contempt

3. Defensiveness

4. Stonewalling

In future blog posts we'll explore why they're so harmful, and why you should avoid them in your relationships - romantic or otherwise!

If you would like to learn more about couple or marriage counselling, please visit our relationships counselling page. You are also welcome to a free, 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. Alternatively, if you would like to book an appointment with a Robertson & Ling counsellor, you can do so here.