Criticism

In our previous blog post, we highlighted that there are four unhealthy ways of communicating when there's conflict. The Gottman's dubbed these "The Four Horsemen of the apocalypse." These are figures in the Bible that depict the end times - making it an appropriate name for these destructive communication traits!

The first of the Four Horsemen is criticism. Most of us intuitively understand when we are being criticised, but it is helpful to have a concrete definition.

A criticism is an attack on or a negative comment about someone's character. An example of a criticism would be saying something like, "Why is the kitchen still so messy? "You're so lazy!" Laziness is an undesirable character trait, making this comment a clear criticism.

It is easy to see how criticism can cause problems in relationships. Nobody likes to be criticised. It hurts when someone says something bad about our character, about our very selves. It makes sense that when we feel criticised, we are more susceptible to responding with criticism ourselves, or to become defensive - a Horseman that we will look at shortly. These typical responses to criticism means that it is unlikely that the disagreement will be resolved. Not only that, but both people can walk away from the conversation feeling unloved. 

Talking about problems and conflicts without criticising is vital - and relationship or marriage counselling can be exceptionally helpful in learning how this can be done. 

To learn more about the dangers of criticism, please visit the Gottman website. View our Relationships page to read about our relationship counselling service. You are also welcome to a free, 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. To book an appointment with Robertson & Ling, click here.