Ways to grieve - pt.2

Today we continue our exploration of different ways to grieve. In our introduction we saw that there isn’t one “right” way to grieve, and in our last post we looked at a few common responses to loss. This article will examine guilt, denial, and eating/sleeping changes.

Guilt:

Guilt is a common response for individuals experiencing loss, particularly when the loss is the death of a family member. This guilt often expresses itself in two different ways: firstly, in self-blame (“I should have done more to prevent this loss”) and in regret (“I should have done things differently when I had the chance; I didn’t make the most of things”; Strobe et al., 2014).

These responses are understandable, and can reveal a number of things. Firstly, it can demonstrate that the individual is finding it difficult to come to terms with the nature of what’s happened. This can be the case irrespective of whether the loss was sudden and unexpected or not. Secondly, it can reveal that the thing that has been lost was highly valuable to the griever. In other words, the loss is so significant that individuals will mentally explore ways in which things “should” have looked different, even if these alternatives appear to be irrational or bizarre to an outside observer.

Denial:

This is when an individual essentially rejects the experiential reality of a loss. That is, the person intellectually acknowledges that a loss has occurred, but they do not experience any subsequent thoughts and feelings relating to that loss. On the surface, it may be difficult for people to understand this to be a healthy response to loss. They make think the person is just avoiding what has happened, and that they are unwilling to “face the music,” so to speak.

But in a similar way to numbness, it is a logical and healthy way to grieve, because it reflects the gravity of what they are experiencing. As one author points out, denial “is nature’s way of dealing with only what can be handled” (Oates & Maani-Fogelman, 2020). Sometimes things can be so significant that they need to be experienced and processed in “bitesize” chunks; denial enables this to happen. 

Eating/Sleeping Changes:

It is not uncommon for people to experience changes in their eating or sleeping while they grieve. They may eat and sleep less or more. This is often closely linked with one’s decreased mood, and again, it makes sense that these changes are experienced when you are feeling lower than normal. 

Do not be alarmed if you are experiencing any of the above in your grief process. They are all normal responses to loss.

If you would like to learn more about grief counselling at Robertson & Ling, please visit our grief counselling page. To view any other services that Robertson & Ling offer, such as marriage or couples counselling, please visit our services page. You are also welcome to a free, 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your suitability for counselling at Robertson & Ling. Finally, you can make a booking for grief counselling via our booking page.