Why it’s okay to feel mean as a parent sometimes

Parenting can be one of the most rewarding and meaningful things we do in life. But it can also be one of the most challenging. Part of what we do here at Robertson & Ling is run one-to-one parenting programs with parents. What we’ve found is that one of the most common struggles for parents is feeling like they are being mean to their children in the way they’re parenting. This is particularly the case when it comes to setting boundaries. Naturally, parents want what’s best for their children, and so it can be a distressing experience to feel like you’re being cruel or unkind. Maybe you can relate.

Where does this feeling come from, and why is it actually okay to feel mean as a parent at times?

Children need boundaries. Whilst some behaviours can be ignored - like when a child makes silly, repeated noises for a while - others will need some kind of response. Maybe a child is wrecking objects around the house, or is hitting other children. How you choose to respond to such behaviour is your decision to make as a parent. A counting system, time out, or confiscating a toy for a period of time are common responses to unacceptable behaviour.

Whatever the response, it’s unlikely your child will be enthused by it! In their frustration, they can respond in challenging ways. Maybe they throw a tantrum or become inconsolable. They might call you “horrible” or “the worst parent ever.” Or they threaten or actually engage in physically aggressive behaviour, such is their anger.

It’s at this point that the ““I’m a mean parent” response is elicited. Parents can start to think, “Maybe if my boundaries weren’t as rigid we’d get along better,” or, “They get so angry when I’m firm with them. Maybe I am mean…”

But stay strong! It’s important that you’re child learns distress tolerance. In other words, they need to learn how to handle disappointment, regret, or anger. It’s imperative to their development, and to their ability to regulate their feelings and expectations. Whilst it can be hard to do, and it can leave you feeling mean or unkind, you are acting in the best interests of your child. And at the end of the day, this is what parenting is all about.

So it’s okay to feel mean sometimes…in fact, it can be a sign that you’re doing a great job!

To learn more about parenting counselling at Robertson & Ling, please visit our parenting page. To read about our one-on-one parenting programs, go to our programs page. To view any other services that Robertson & Ling offer, such as marriage or couples counselling, please visit our services page. If you are interested in a free 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your suitability for counselling, call Robertson & Ling on 0437 711 654. Alternatively, you can book a counselling appointment here.