Why your teenager feels like a stranger
It can be a disconcerting experience for parents. They’ve had a positive and affectionate relationship with their child as they’ve grown up. But now their child is an adolescent, and suddenly, things have changed. They’ve getting one word answers. They’re noticing that they’re is spending far more time in their room, or outside the home with friends. And there’s less enthusiasm to spend time together. Not only is there less connection, but their adolescent feels more like a stranger.
What is happening here? Why the shift?
Developmentally, adolescents have reached a critical phase in their life. Previously, they did not have much of an understanding of themselves outside of their family context. But now they have an increasing awareness that they are their own self. Not only this, but adolescents will typically be eager to develop this sense of self, and to form an identity that is not so intrinsically led to the family home and environment.
In order to communicate this exploration - both to themselves and those around them - teenagers will often distance themselves from the family unit. They’ll push boundaries. They’ll spend more time with friends. They’ll pursue novelty and privacy. And they’ll want to be accepted for who they are.
In response, parents may become more strict so they can “bring their teen into order.” But unless it’s a serious issue and it’s imperative that it be addressed (e.g. drug use), this approach will only drive them further away. What was once a positive parent-child relationship can very quickly become highly conflictual and dysfunctional.
The takeaway for parents? Go easy. Firstly, go easy on yourself. You’re not a bad parent if you feel like you’re losing connection with your teen; it’s normal. Secondly, go easy on your teen. Their desire for greater independence is more likely a reflection of their developmental stage, rather than a desire to make your life hell. Don’t sweat the small stuff; instead, put the emphasise on nurturing the relationship and enjoying time together…save the strict parenting for the really serious transgressions.
Whilst parenting teenagers can be tricky, it can be powerful to realise that your relationship with your teen will almost definitely look different to what it has in the past…and that’s okay!
To learn more about parenting counselling at Robertson & Ling, please visit our parenting page. To read about our one-to-one parenting programs, go to our programs page. To view any other services that Robertson & Ling offer, such as marriage or couples counselling, please visit our services page. If you are interested in a free 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your suitability for counselling, call Robertson & Ling on 0437 711 654. Alternatively, you can book a counselling appointment here.