If we could only give one piece of advice to couples

It’s one of my greatest causes for frustration and sadness as a couple and marriage counsellor. Often, people walk into my office having endured years of serious conflict and issues. One or both of them are on the verge of leaving the relationship, and couples or marriage counselling is the last roll of the dice. If this doesn’t work, they’re done.

We start the counselling process, and it becomes clear that it’s going to be an uphill battle. The Four Horsemen are running rife (see our series on how not to do conflict in a relationship). There are past issues that haven’t been dealt with, and they’re bleeding into present-day issues left and right. One or both of them have a billowing sea of resentment. Or worse still, the fight and the fire has completely gone. You can see it in their eyes.

Nevertheless, we forge ahead, and the couple get to work on improving their relationship. We spend a number of sessions trying to eliminate the Four Horsemen. We look to introduce healthy ways of communicating and connecting. And we methodically work our way through the issues in their relationship, and seek a resolution to these problems. But progress is either non-existent or very minor. 

It’s not necessarily that couples in this situation aren’t motivated. Many are. But too much damage has been done. Too much trust has been lost. Too much resentment has built up. And so when it becomes increasingly obvious that the couple are not able to progress towards their goal of restoring the relationship, we conclude counselling.

The inevitable thought process I have as I write their last case note is, “If only they’d sought help sooner.” I can’t help but think: what difference could it have made if they’d sought relationship counselling 6 months, a year, 3 years, or 5 years earlier? Ultimately I’ll never know. The result may have been exactly the same. But for some relationships, I get the distinct impression that seeking help earlier would have meant a very different outcome. And when kids are involved, that’s no small matter.  

So, with all that being said, our one piece of advice to couples is:

If you feel like you need help, get it early. 

If you would like to learn more about couple or marriage counselling, please visit our relationships counselling page. You are also welcome to a free, 15 minute phone consultation to discuss your relationship needs and suitability for counselling. Alternatively, if you would like to book an appointment with a Robertson & Ling counsellor, you can do so here.